Two potential loves became zero pretty damn quick. The problem is I am not coping with it, and am self destructing. I can't get this crap out of my head, so I'm going to pour it here, even though there's no one to read it or to help - at least if I can get it out, I might be able to sleep!!! And for some stupid reason or maybe because LJ isn't the same LJ I can't even enter for a new line, so this is going to be one huge long block of text which is totally conducive to reading (sarcasm).. YAY LJ. So sorry for the spelling errors, all none of you who read this, and sorry for the non spaces (if you can fix it, tell me how) Here let's put lots of space in to break it up So, guy number one, well that was a fun one. He was someone who scared me a little, but the ultimate conclusion I came to is that nothing he does is not calculated. He has thought everything through, every move he makes is designed to manipulate everything and everyone around him. He was interesting, sure, but with him it was more the idea of him than it was the actual relationship - it could never have worked. He gets too caught up in his own head, he gets depressed same as I can, and you can't have that in the same relationship it just cannot work. So, after a conversation in which I basically said I didn't think it would work - he made me insanely jealous, which was stupid and not a good sign of having any trust whatsoever - he agreed. Then it was silent for a bit. And then he told me, just so I knew, that this "didn't have anything to do with how you look or anything, coz you're a great girl with a great personality and you can light up a room". Hidden message, as we all know - you're great, just too fat. I told him I wasn't thinking that until he said what he said (and I wasn't), and then he got all weird, so I told him his ass was too skinny for me anyway, which seemed to help. Anyway, then a whole thing where I talked him out of suicide and he asked me to be involved in going to see a lawyer with him to fight for custody of his child (see this whole child thing is nutso crazy, like, how can the mother take away access unless he's done something or is hiding something he's not admitting to?!) to which I politely declined, and we're over him because that was a flight of fancy that my crazed mind wanted to explore. Guy number 2. Here's where it gets tricky. He was entirely laid back He was funny, he was smart, we shared enough common interests to do things together, but not so many we didn't have separate lives. In all honesty, he is pretty much my exact type. I loved being with him. I loved seeing him. He liked me and I liked him. But he couldln't commit to anything long term. A little while ago, we'd had a conversation about how we weren't friends, we weren't friends with benefits, we weren't a relationship - we were dating each other only, and we were in some kind of ship, just not a full blown sailing yacht ship. I was fine with that - I'm particularly cautious with my heart, and I was happy to do that. However,what I don't like is people who keep cancelling on me for stupid excuses. At some point, you have to take note that cancelling because a beard trimming appointment has been booked means something. And this was a tricky place to be. On the one hand, he was saying he liked spending time with me. On the other, he was cancelling. I've spent two years in therapy learning to believe what people say, not to jump to conclusions and make up my own stories about what I think everything means. But the beard trimming thing, that was sort of the last one. It was the third cancellation in a week. Even though I wasn't expecting a full commitment, I was expecting not to be continually cancelled on, given that I had already said how much that irritated me a month before hand. So it had to happen via a text - along the lines of I can't keep doing this, I want to spend time with you but we have to actually be in the same place at the same time, that I thought we (meaning him) were going to try harder and be more honest, that nothing had changed. He then emailed me saying we're in different places, but he'd like to be friends and let's have a beer - HELLO the whole problem was the not having the beer in the frist place, had the cancellation never eventuated, the whole situation wouldn't have blown up!!!!! (sidebar the honesty thing - I went on birth control for him, and we had proceeded to have unprotected sex on a couple of occasions, only for him to tell me after that had happened that he has herpes. I mean, please. That's something I should know about. That takes away my right to decide what I let into my body. I have no objection to it, 70% of the freaking adult population has it, but it is something I had to know about, because I likely wouldn't have had any unprotected sex without it, until the relationship turned into something more. Anyway, I'm mad at him about this but I haven't told him, because truthfully Im actually not mad at all. I was disappointed, but my usual anger response wasn't there. We'll get to why). I trusted him completely - I didn't expect him to be seeing other people behind my back (and he wasn't as far as I'm aware), I wasn't jealous of him spending time with people, it was natural and it was fun and was easy - but it wasn't a relationship. This is significant for many reasons. After my last boyfriend, I went on a complete anti-man rampage - I wanted nothing to do with them, I wanted no part in any relationship whatsoever. Then I met him. And I wanted a relationship with him. And in a way it hurts more because of that - because now my heart has been opened again, when it was so much easier to hate men and relationships. I think I actually had genuine true feelings, I think I loved him. I think I still do love him. My friend tells me I was in love with the idea, but it wasn't that - it's not the idea I miss. It's not the having someone to spend an evening in a pub with, having someone to wake up next to I miss. It's having him to spend an eveningin the pub with, and waking up next to him that I miss. As we see from guy number 1, I know how to distinguish between the idea and the person And the reason I'm driving myself crazy is that - one one level I feel its not oever. I can't tell if that's wishful thinking, or insight or prediction or what. I start thinking - what if he just needs me to text him to say I miss him? What if that's all it'll take for him to change his mind? And on the other side of the coin - I don't want to text him, because I don't want to admit to him that's how I feel - I don't want to be clingy and needy, because that won't attract him. So I fight within myself. And the irony of the whole thing is that it was great when we were together, but he is, at heart, an incredible selfish person. I mean to the core. I mean that everything was on his terms. I mean that his pleasure was first, foremost, and often, and mine was... given to me, but not in any kind of way that really would satisfy me and work long term. Sex is a huge part of a relationship, and no it's not the only part, but having someone so fundamentally not care about how I come and feel surely has to translate to the rest of his being, and maybe I just hadn't seen it yet Maybe again I could have trained him, like Cosmo taught us. So tonight, I've been sitting here, forcing myself not to text him, and trying to push those thoughts out of my head about whether he just needs me to say something - I genuinely have no idea. I guess if he wants me he'll have to come after me, but for the first time in my life, I've been asking for what I want out of things - I've spoken up about the want to spend more time together, about the need to stop cancelling, about actually feeling something for someone (not love, just like when I spoke to him), and so it seems rather regretful to go this far and not put the final nail in the coffin. This is what I want advice about. This is what I want to know. Should I do it or not? This is the things I can't ask anyone, because I've effectively managed to burn every bridge I have - because my self descrtiveness leads ot heavy drinking which leads to suicidal thoughts, and because everyone is quite happy to come to me when they're suicidal, but no one is quite prepared to give up anything to come and talk to me when I am (side bar on that - no more talking anyone down from suicide). I've been trying to remember the bad stuff, the selfish stuff, the cancellations, but it's not working - as Lee said to Ellie - "I like you in spite of all your faults and I think that's love". So in essence, David Franj said it best - "I love you I miss you goodbye". Do I put the nail in the coffin? Am I all in or am I too scared to take the punt? Cant someone tell me what the right thing to do is? I need someone to hear this.