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Little Girl Lost
20 January 2014 @ 06:05 pm
I'm always apologising for the night before these days. I feel guilty and keep re living things. Even if I've had also relatively calm nights out, those absolute bender ones have me in knots for days over saying something stupid. Usually to people I am likely to see again and whose opinion sort of matters.

I like, try to invoke my cbt training - I don't ALWAYS say the wrong thing, it's not PROBABLE that they're still talking about some hideous thing I said, it's not a CATASTROPHE if someone doesn't like me (especially when I'm not crash hot on them either. Mostly as I'm jealous of them and want to be them) but it's really hard when the only way you know it's ok is to see them again and be normal, and you will cross paths again but it could be a couple of weeks and you'll live in guilt for that long.

I think the nights before need to stop so the days after aren't so guilty and apologetic and altogether nasty.

How do I make the nights before not happen?
 
 
Little Girl Lost
07 September 2013 @ 03:35 am
Two potential loves became zero pretty damn quick.  The problem is I am not coping with it, and am self destructing.  I can't get this crap out of my head, so I'm going to pour it here, even though there's no one to read it or to help - at least if I can get it out, I might be able to sleep!!!    And for some stupid reason or maybe because LJ isn't the same LJ I can't even enter for a new line, so this is going to be one huge long block of text which is totally conducive to reading (sarcasm)..  YAY LJ.  So sorry for the spelling errors, all none of you who read this, and sorry for the non spaces (if you can fix it, tell me how)                      Here let's put lots of space in to break it up                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                       So, guy number one, well that was a fun one.  He was someone who scared me a little, but the ultimate conclusion I came to is that nothing he does is not calculated.  He has thought everything through, every move he makes is designed to manipulate everything and everyone around him.  He was interesting, sure, but with him it was more the idea of him than it was the actual relationship - it could never have worked.  He gets too caught up in his own head, he gets depressed same as I can, and you can't have that in the same relationship it just cannot work.  So, after a conversation in which I basically said I didn't think it would work - he made me insanely jealous, which was stupid and not a good sign of having any trust whatsoever - he agreed.  Then it was silent for a bit.  And then he told me, just so I knew, that this "didn't have anything to do with how you look or anything, coz you're a great girl with a great personality and you can light up a room".  Hidden message, as we all know - you're great, just too fat.  I told him I wasn't thinking that until he said what he said (and I wasn't), and then he got all weird, so I told him his ass was too skinny for me anyway, which seemed to help.  Anyway, then a whole thing where I talked him out of suicide and he asked me to be involved in going to see a lawyer with him to fight for custody of his child (see this whole child thing is nutso crazy, like, how can the mother take away access unless he's done something or is hiding something he's not admitting to?!) to which I politely declined, and we're over him because that was a flight of fancy that my crazed mind wanted to explore.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                     Guy number 2.  Here's where it gets tricky.  He was entirely laid back  He was funny, he was smart, we shared enough common interests to do things together, but not so many we didn't have separate lives.  In all honesty, he is pretty much my exact type.  I loved being with him.  I loved seeing him.  He liked me and I liked him.  But he couldln't commit to anything long term.  A little while ago, we'd had a conversation about how we weren't friends, we weren't friends with benefits, we weren't a relationship - we were dating each other only, and we were in some kind of ship, just not a full blown sailing yacht ship.  I was fine with that - I'm particularly cautious with my heart, and I was happy to do that.  However,what I don't like is people who keep cancelling on me for stupid excuses.  At some point, you have to take note that cancelling because a beard trimming appointment has been booked means something.  And this was a tricky place to be.  On the one hand, he was saying he liked spending time with me.  On the other, he was cancelling.  I've spent two years in therapy learning to believe what people say, not to jump to conclusions and make up my own stories about what I think everything means.  But the beard trimming thing, that was sort of the last one.  It was the third cancellation in a week.  Even though I wasn't expecting a full commitment, I was expecting not to be continually cancelled on, given that I had already said how much that irritated me a month before hand.  So it had to happen via a text - along the lines of I can't keep doing this, I want to spend time with you but we have to actually be in the same place at the same time, that I thought we (meaning him) were going to try harder and be more honest, that nothing had changed.  He then emailed me saying we're in different places, but he'd like to be friends and let's have a beer - HELLO the whole problem was the not having the beer in the frist place, had the cancellation never eventuated, the whole situation wouldn't have blown up!!!!!   (sidebar the honesty thing - I went on birth control for him, and we had proceeded to have unprotected sex on a couple of occasions, only for him to tell me after that had happened that he has herpes.  I mean, please.  That's something I should know about.  That takes away my right to decide what I let into my body.  I have no objection to it, 70% of the freaking adult population has it, but it is something I had to know about, because I likely wouldn't have had any unprotected sex without it, until the relationship turned into something more.  Anyway, I'm mad at him about this but I haven't told him, because truthfully Im actually not mad at all.  I was disappointed, but my usual anger response wasn't there.  We'll get to why).  I trusted him completely - I didn't expect him to be seeing other people behind my back (and he wasn't as far as I'm aware), I wasn't jealous of him spending time with people, it was natural and it was fun and was easy - but it wasn't a relationship.  This is significant for many reasons.  After my last boyfriend, I went on a complete anti-man rampage - I wanted nothing to do with them, I wanted no part in any relationship whatsoever.  Then I met him.  And I wanted a relationship with him.  And in a way it hurts more because of that - because now my heart has been opened again, when it was so much easier to hate men and relationships.  I think I actually had genuine true feelings, I think I loved him.  I think I still do love him.  My friend tells me I was in love with the idea, but it wasn't that - it's not the idea I miss.  It's not the having someone to spend an evening in a pub with, having someone to wake up next to I miss.  It's having him to spend an eveningin the pub with, and waking up next to him that I miss.  As we see from guy number 1, I know how to distinguish between the idea and the person                                                                                                                                                                                                                                     And the reason I'm driving myself crazy is that - one one level I feel its not oever.  I can't tell if that's wishful thinking, or insight or prediction or what.    I start thinking - what if he just needs me to text him to say I miss him?  What if that's all it'll take for him to change his mind?  And on the other side of the coin - I don't want to text him, because I don't want to admit to him that's how I feel - I don't want to be clingy and needy, because that won't attract him.  So I fight within myself.  And the irony of the whole thing is that it was great when we were together, but he is, at heart, an incredible selfish person.  I mean to the core.  I mean that everything was on his terms.  I mean that his pleasure was first, foremost, and often, and mine was... given to me, but not in any kind of way that really would satisfy me and work long term.  Sex is a huge part of a relationship, and no it's not the only part, but having someone so fundamentally not care about how I come and feel surely has to translate to the rest of his being, and maybe I just hadn't seen it  yet  Maybe again I could have trained him, like Cosmo taught us.  So tonight, I've been sitting here, forcing myself not to text him, and trying to push those thoughts out of my head about whether he just needs me to say something - I genuinely have no idea.  I guess if he wants me he'll have to come after me, but for the first time in my life, I've been asking for what I want out of things - I've spoken up about the want to spend more time together, about the need to stop cancelling, about actually feeling something for someone (not love, just like when I spoke to him), and so it seems rather regretful to go this far and not put the final nail in the coffin.  This is what I want advice about.  This is what I want to know.  Should I do it or not?                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                             This is the things I can't ask anyone, because I've effectively managed to burn every bridge I have - because my self descrtiveness leads ot heavy drinking which leads to suicidal thoughts, and because everyone is quite happy to come to me when they're suicidal, but no one is quite prepared to give up anything to come and talk to me when I am (side bar on that - no more talking anyone down from suicide).                                                                              I've been trying to remember the bad stuff, the selfish stuff, the cancellations, but it's not working - as Lee said to Ellie - "I like you in spite of all your faults and I think that's love".   So in essence, David Franj said it best - "I love you I miss you goodbye".  Do I put the nail in the coffin?  Am I all in or am I too scared to take the punt?  Cant someone tell me what the right thing to do is?  I need someone to hear this.
 
 
Little Girl Lost
21 July 2013 @ 01:57 am

Jesus fuck I need to get laid.

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Little Girl Lost
02 July 2013 @ 10:01 pm
Love  

I'm in love.

The problem is that it's with two different people.

It goes against everything I believe in. It goes against my moral code. And yet, there is actually no way of choosing between them. They are so completely different, so utterly from different walks of life that there's no way to compare them.

And if it continues there's going to be three people hurt.

How do you choose between impossible choices?

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Little Girl Lost
19 July 2012 @ 11:41 pm

Here's the thing: I don't reasonably see how I can continue living. It's not really working out for me. I'm not depressed, I'm not even drastically suicidal, I'm just tired of the same shit, the same pain, the same abnormal reactions to minor events.

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Little Girl Lost
29 June 2012 @ 12:49 am

I miss him.

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Little Girl Lost
26 June 2012 @ 11:56 pm

I'm a far better friend to others than they are to me. Fact. Well mostly anyway.

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Little Girl Lost
26 June 2012 @ 10:51 pm

Officially in self destruct mode. How I missed you.

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Little Girl Lost
19 June 2012 @ 10:53 pm

This is torture town. Breaking up with someone when you know it's right but then right when you've ruined it all, wondering if it is right. Torturing yourself looking at old photos, not even of you and him but him and her and wondering how it is you never got to that stage. Did he love her more? Does he still? Being there for everyone else through their break ups and having nowhere to go for your own. I torture myself. Why do I torture myself? I don't hate him but I don't love him. I think I love the idea of him, the person he could be. He looked so happy once. He looks happy now and it's when he's away from me. Where's my strength to carry through with this? I swear there are no more relationships for me after this. If this is how I react to this one how can I survive the break up of another? I saw the wedding day with him and me, just not the forever after, not the kids not the house just the day. And that's the closest I've ever come to that thought with anyone, ever. I talked him down, there was a lot that wasnt good, the conversation would never have lasted year after year. And yet this is breaking my heart. I'm ripped through. I can't deal with it, with any of it. I know time will help blah blah but what if there's no more chances? Why do I even care if there's no more relationships for me to break up from? How do I simultaneously deal with knowing I talked about the bad not the good with mt friends, and then expect them to understand and care when the break up happens? They don't dislike him but they know he's not right for me, they said that before I did. I'm too swayed by others. Why does their opinion matter? It matters because they need to like who I'm seeing. And they did like him just not enough. I liked Him just not enough. Why can't I like him enough? He's a nice guy and I don't want to hurt him and I don't want to hurt me. Why can't I be eight years old again when all that mattered was the boy you were playing kiss chasey with had boy germs so you didn't want to get caught? What's the point to all this torture and heartbreak and when have I had my fair share? Or maybe I deserve it. Maybe this is how karma works. Why can't I sleep? Why do I recognise my trigger points then steam roll through them anyway. Why don't I react like a normal person. Why am I not a psychopath who this wouldn't affect. How did I get all the super sensitive genes, the ones that leave me in agony over a failed relationship that was failed to begin with. Or was it failed to begin with. Maybe I failed it. Maybe I'm destined to fail all of then. Can you fail at life? Can the pain end? Can the rambling end?

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Little Girl Lost
I wish that I could maybe say
                                          Something cool to make you STAY
                    I wish I
                                                             I wish I


I wish that when I looked at you
                                          I’d feel the way that I need to
                       I wish I
                                                I wish I
                                                      I tie my shoes and I walk outside
                                                                                Another day and I say
                        There’s things I love I’ll never have

                                                                                              Things that I do to get me through



I
Fix my smile and I make you SEE

That what you did don’t mean shit to me

And I wish I
                                                    Don’t leave
                                                                        Don’t cry
                                                                                            Don’t run
                                                                                                                It’s alright

Coz this song is for you
                                                                        Don’t cry
                                                Don’t leave

Say anything that you don’t believe


Coz this song is for you

I wish that I could walk away
                                                                                                                   Convince myself that this is fate
                                      I wish I
I wish I



I know it hurts
                                        (It cuts inside)
                                                            If no one sees
Hell it’s alright
                                          I wish I

I wish I
                                                            I shake my keys
                                      And I lock the door
                                                            I start the car and I say
                                        There’s things I love I’ll never hold

And the things that I hold will never love me back



I
Fix my smile and I make you SEE

That what you did don’t mean shit to me

And I wish I


                                                    Don’t leave
                                                                        Don’t cry
                                                                                            Don’t run
                                                                                                                It’s alright


Coz this song is for you

                                                                        Don’t cry
                                                Don’t leave


Say anything that you don’t believe


Coz this song is for you


(It's all for you)


Blame it on tomorrow
You blame it on the clothes I wear
Blame it on the songs I sing


Blame it on tomorrow
You blame it on the clothes I wear
Blame it on the songs I sing

Blame it on tomorrow
You blame it on the clothes I wear
Blame it on the songs I sing
  





                                                                                                                   Blame it on some reason